I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
