I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
