In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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