Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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