and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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