Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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