I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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