I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
