Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
