so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
