Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
