So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
