I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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