hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
