Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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