Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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