just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
