Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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