I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
