We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
