i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
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i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
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Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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