i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
