she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
