I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
