Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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