My balls are so social today.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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