I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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