I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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