Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
