alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
