i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
