when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
