I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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