the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's never too late to be topless.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
