I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
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My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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