If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
