my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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