Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
