I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
