he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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