EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
