She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
