I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
