im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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