my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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