When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
