I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
