She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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