I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
