I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
