Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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