I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
