Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
