He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize
