I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
