Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
